I have been so tired for a few months now but to be honest I thought it was just a result of a very full schedule, planning a wedding and dealing with a pretty stressful financial situation that caused more than a few sleepless nights. I mean, life is busy and everyone is tired, right?

I work two early mornings per week but on the other days try to get up between 6.30 and 7am. I write from home during the day working on a variety of projects and then, come around 2pm, start thinking about heading off to the studio for a night of dance teaching. I teach five nights per week and work anywhere from three to five hours meaning I'm home around 8pm most nights. Some Saturdays I'll take a few hours of teaching here and there but I always try to keep Sundays clear.

It's definitely a very full week but nothing that I haven't done before.

Turns out though my iron levels are way below where they should be and could be the reason behind my lack of energy. I don't feel too bad in the morning and try to get as much done early as I can including any household chores and taking the dog for a walk. But once lunchtime comes around I hit that ubiquitous wall - the past few weeks I've even been taking a nap around this time because the thought of teaching a few hours in the evening is just too much.

My lack of iron and ferritin was picked up during a blood test after I complained to my doctor that I wasn't getting over a chest infection as quickly as I had hoped. It was really lingering despite a course of antibiotics and a night or two off work and he suggested, as I work with children, it may in fact have been a strain of whooping cough.

I knew I didn't feel ill enough for it to be whooping cough but went off for the test anyway hoping that it may reveal some answers. Needless to say it did and since Saturday's diagnosis I've spent hours researching my options for upping my iron levels.

Supplements and infusions are definitely the most popular options and seem to have had mixed levels of success amongst my friends and a women's online community I consulted for answers last night. But both also present side effects that sound less than desirable - constipation, irritability, stained teeth and nausea. These are all things I could do without quite frankly but, on the flip side seem a small price to pay for increased energy levels.

But the common thread in everyone's answers is that the underlying cause of the deficiency needs to be addressed before any course of action is decided on.

My ferritin levels were the cause for most alarm with my doctor. My test showed a ferritin level of just 3μg/L with the Australian Red Cross Blood Service reporting "ferritin levels below 30μg/L for an adult is diagnostic of iron deficiency". A normal ferritin level would be anything between 30-290μg/L.

Ferritin is a protein that carries iron around in the blood and can be used to measure the amount of iron in the body. If the ferritin is low, this often means the body is low in iron. In my case, that's exactly what it means. My iron measurement was 4 umol/L with normal levels being between 10-33umol/L. My saturation levels according to test results are 5% with normal levels between 16-50%.

So before I start on any supplements I want to figure out if the problem is with my diet and the amount of iron I'm consuming or if it's my body's inability to properly absorb iron that is causing the low readings.

I've resolved to try some major dietary changes over the next four weeks and see if that makes a difference to my energy levels. I stocked the grocery trolley with leafy green veggies, dried fruits, and red meat today and am also conscious I need to up my Vitamin C intake which will assist the absorption of iron.


With any luck, this will have me feeling more energetic and will negate the need for supplements or infusions. The doc wants another blood test in three months so we'll just go from there I guess.

I'd love to hear from anyone with a similar experience and find out what worked for you.

Recently my partner and I made things official and were married in Fiji. It was a beautiful day shared with 40 of our closest family and friends. His two children were front row as I formally became a part of their lives.

Almost two and a half years after meeting them, my relationship with the kids is still developing. I've read countless research studies indicating it can take up to seven years for a real bond to evolve in blended families and while I have no measuring stick for it, I think we're chugging along OK.

Our wedding day

One thing that has come up repeatedly though is the complexity of the role I actually play in the lives of the children - who live with us 50 per cent of the time. The difficult thing about coming into a family dynamic that already exists is that there are no parameters. My partner and his kids were doing fine before I came along so it's not as though there was a gap for me to fill as such.

So where do I fit? I am not the mother, they are not my children -  they have two active, loving parents involved in their upbringing, whether I agree with their decisions or not. Am I their friend? Their ally? An aunt-type figure? To tell you the truth, I seem to be working it out as I go along and taking each situation as it comes. But one thing I have discovered through all of this is that I have a real problem with the term stepmum.

Apart from it's obvious 'wicked' connotations, it's a word that - in a society where more than a third of families are non-nuclear - is simply outdated. It doesn't accurately describe my role in the children's lives because it insinuates that I am not living up to my job description if I'm not 'mothering' them.

Sure I help with homework, dole out advice when asked and play taxi driver here and there but when it comes to the parenting side of things, it's not something I feel is in my remit. That's what their parents are for.



If I ever have a child of my own I know I would have a huge problem with another woman putting her mother stamp on their lives while I was an active parent. So while I sometimes don't agree with how the children's biological mum does things, I feel I need to fully respect her role as their mother and the rightfully powerful bond she has with them. I would expect the same.

I also have a great respect for the word 'mum'. It's a word that has such strong meaning and associations and, without being their biological mum, how can I call myself something even akin to that. The truth is I will never share that bond with the kids - no matter how hard we all try. It's something that can't be replicated.

As reported by Mary Kelly-Williams on Psychology Today, studies show that children resent parenting attempts by their parent's new spouse, even when one of their parents is deceased. It's not a position I want to put the children or my partnership in. I don't want the kids to feel as though I'm stepping on toes, simply that I am there to offer support in any part of their lives if they need it.

I don't want them to resent me because not only would that put a strain on my relationship with the kids but it would spell disaster for my marriage.

My partner finds this very hard to understand and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to explain how hurtful it is that he thinks me not identifying with the stepmum moniker means I am not wholeheartedly committed to my role in the lives of his children.

Wednesday Martin writes "stepmothering is an undertaking steeped in cultural bias, ignorance, and misconceptions" and I couldn't agree more. Until I was in this situation myself I had no idea what it actually meant to come into a family as the "extra parent". I am constantly second-guessing how I relate to the kids, always worried that I am going to upset the applecart and concerned how my actions will be interpreted both by the kids and my husband.

It's a tough gig and my kudos to any woman who is experiencing finding her place in an existing family dynamic - I know how hard it is. Just know you are doing your best and, like all the research says, it's a long process. The end result is up to you. Don't judge yourself by the experiences of others and, most importantly, look after your marriage first and foremost.

I really identified with this interview with Chloe Shorten who has a new book called Take Heart about creating a stepfamily. I hope you find it as helpful and reassuring as I did.

I had a couple of hours on my hands today while waiting to pick up poochie from the vet so I decided to head to my local library to see what they had to offer (OK, I'm lying, I just wanted to use the free WiFi).

But you guys! Are you actually aware of what a fantastic resource the library is?! Free WiFi aside this place is amazing. Books, magazines, eBooks, heaps of desk space and lots of opportunity to eavesdrop on some - quite frankly - hilarious teenage conversations - this place has some serious appeal especially to a freelance writer like me.

In Brisbane there are 33 libraries controlled by Brisbane City Council which means you can borrow (and return) to any one of them. They have a really great online catalogue too which means you can download books as well as borrow physical copies.

If you work from home like me it's also a great way to get out of the house and still get some work done without spending a small fortune on coffees and things you really shouldn't be eating at your local cafe.

When I write I like some level of ambient noise rather than complete silence so the library is perfect. It's relatively quiet but there's still a bit of a hum like an office but minus the annoying desk drop-by's from co-workers when you're on deadline and really can't talk.

Anyway, short of sounding like an ad for Brisbane City libraries you should totally check out your local branch - here's my top five reasons why.

Free books

Need I say more? But just remember there's probably a waiting list for new releases so best to check out the catalogue online and put a hold on anything you really want. If you're happy to just browse, simply walking the aisles is a great way to discover new authors.

Free WiFi

Another no-brainer.

The perfect office substitute

Cafes can be noisy (and expensive) but the library has the perfect quiet buzz. It has a good atmosphere for work and research with a ton of information at your fingertips.

Community hub

Something I truly didn't consider until I walked in to the library today is that it's a great way to feel more in touch with the local community. Silly of me not to think about it really considering I'm still kind of new in town and have been looking for ways to connect with my new home. There are heaps of programs and events going at any one of BCC's 33 branches so be sure to check them out for some budget-friendly entertainment. If you have kids, make sure you take advantage of school holiday activities.

Librarians

Librarians can be great resources for either helping with your research or recommending books that you might be interested in. It feels more personal to have a real person to truly cater to your reading needs versus a smart algorithm.

I've been back in Sydney these past few days for a little R&R. I've made no secret of the fact that making a new home away from my family and friends has been a bit tough on me.

The love and support of my fiance is getting me through the day-to-day but sometimes, as I've written about, you just need a hug from your mum. I came down to spend a couple of nights with my family and catch up with a few friends and, to be honest, it's been just the pick-me-up I needed. I'm heading back to Brisbane this afternoon excited to be reunited with my fiance and feeling refreshed, renewed, rejuvenated and ready to get on with making our new life together.

But before this afternoon's trek to Sydney Airport, this morning mum and I indulged ourselves with a visit to Gillian Adams Salon and Spa - her to get her hair done and me for a facial and some time in their amazing aquamedic pool and steam room.


It was just what I needed. My facialist recommended a calming facial with healthy dose of facial massage, a hydrating mask and a session under the Omnilux (aka the magic orange light). Using a mix of products from Jan Marini and Babor, the facial was absolute heaven. It's been a while (read: years) since I've indulged in a skin treatment but I definitely won't be leaving it that long next time.

My 20 minute Omnilux session was the icing on the cake. If you haven't heard of Omnilux before, let me... ahem, enlighten you. Using a matrix of LED's, the Omnilux lamp delivers pure, narrow-band light direct to the skin. Put simply, it's non-surgical light therapy designed to stimulate the skins natural collagen production.

There are three different lamps, each one with a different coloured light that treats different conditions. Omnilux Blue is best for oily, acne-prone skin as it works on minimising sebum, bacteria and inflammation. Omnilux Revive has a red light that stimulates collagen and increases the moisture in your skin and Omnilux Plus, uses a thermal light to help rebuild and strengthen deep tissue and increase the skins blood flow. Today I had the Revive treatment to help restore my skin's natural barrier and increase moisture.



If you've never tried Omnilux before, be warned the light is BRIGHT. Unlike the pic above, the lamp sits really close to your skin and even through a heavy eye pillow and individual eye protection, the first few seconds take some adjustment. But stick with it and you'll see the benefits after just one treatment. Of course, like most skin treatments the real benefits come with a series of sessions. I'm going to try to fit in one per month through until my wedding in April.

Aside from the amazing skin results (your skin literally glows after a treatment), I've found another benefit to this little 20 minute gem. The intense light can boost the levels of natural endorphins in the brain so you actually feel happier after a treatment. I know, I know.. who doesn't feel better after a facial but I can really attest to the feel-good factor as an added bonus (especially if you need a recharge).

To find out more about Omnilux, click here.

Moving away from home, from family, friends, a job and a work-life balance that I loved (and worked hard to achieve) was always going to be hard. But the opportunity to start a new chapter and the rest of my life with the man I love was always the only option.

So a little more than 10 months ago I packed up my apartment, quit my job and said goodbye to my family and friends to move 1000km away to a new life. I know thousands of people do the same every week, I know my situation isn't unique but that doesn't mean it hasn't been bloody hard. Harder than I could have ever imagined.

My journey so far has been full of ups and downs but this week, for no reason in particular, I've really struggled. It's a strange juxtaposition - I love being with my fiance and couldn't imagine my life now without him in it but I miss my old life especially the comfort, the way I had everything worked out and I felt as though my life was on track. I guess you could say I'm a feeling a little homesick.

Being in a new city where I still haven't managed to establish a close circle of friends, my fiance is unfortunately the one who has been my (literal) shoulder to cry on. I know it's tough for him. He's the reason I moved and I know at times he takes on the burden of how I feel being partly his fault. It's not but I understand why he feels that way.

Josh Klapow, a clinical psychologist and associate professor at the University of Alabama's School of Public Health, says homesickness stems from our instinctive need for love, protection and security - feelings and qualities usually associated with home.

"You're not literally just missing your house. You're missing what's normal, what is routine, the larger sense of social space, because those are the things that help us survive," Klapow told CNN. He offers another way of approaching homesickness: It's merely an emotion that comes in waves.

"Very few emotions stay with you all the time, they come and they go," he says. "But when it strikes, both children and adults often get caught off guard by it. They think something's terribly wrong. But it's normal and adaptive to feel homesick for some period of time. It's just your emotions and mind telling you you're out of your element."

To combat my current state I've decided to go and visit my family for a couple of days. I know it might not be the smartest solution and that maybe I should just "soldier on" but sometimes you just need a hug from your mum.



I know some of you might think it's a bit of a Band-Aid but it's not like I'm rushing off there whenever I feel a bit down. And what's so wrong with a Band-Aid anyway? The only cure for homesickness is time and while I thought I'd be well over it by now it seems I'm not. So I've decided (with my fiance's blessing) to do something that makes me happy. I know I'll come back refreshed and satisfied that I've been able to spend some time with mum, dad and my sister.

I've also resolved to take some more steps to settle myself in my adopted city. On the advice of a friend who has also recently relocated I downloaded an app called MeetUp and am having breakfast with a couple of girls tomorrow who are looking to connect with other 'childless stepmums'.

I'm sure there'll be more bouts of homesickness but hopefully with each round I'll get a little stronger and know that I'm going to come out the other side OK. I'm very lucky to have a fiance whom I love very much and who is willing to support my on this journey no matter how tough it can be at times. Be assured I truly understand how fortunate that makes me.

Wow - you stepmums are a vocal bunch! I knew I'd hit on a bit of a nerve with my opinion piece for Kidspot but I had no idea people felt so strongly on the topic.


It seems the responses to my article were in one of two camps - the women who got in touch online and via social media were either firmly of the "I get it and I'm with you" opinion or, in contrast, asked me how I could possibly be OK with taking a backseat to my stepkids' biological parents when it came to school and extra-curricular events.

Either way, there are obviously hundreds of thousands of women out there who are doing their very best to meet some kind of stepmum mould and, in my opinion, there is nowhere near enough being written about them (us!).

One of the hardest things I've found about the transition from single girl to stepmum is the enormous amount of patience and composure I need. Those quiet weekday evenings are suddenly filled with homework, pick ups and drop offs and, let's face it, noise!

Whether you’re coming into a stepfamily with or without kids of your own, taking on responsibility for another person’s children can cause stress and could even lead to more serious conditions such as depression and anxiety.

“Women who don't have prior children often suffer from greater anxiety which can be related to their lack of confidence in parenting and the significant changes to their single life prior to the relationship,” says psychologist Dr Lisa Doodson, author of How To Be A Happy Stepmum (Vermilion, $29.99).  “But it’s important to remember all stepmums face similar problems, often related to understanding their role in the family, dealing with the children and also with the biological mum so you’re not alone.”



Taking care of yourself is critical so try these five tips right now to become a happier stepmum today.

• Organise regular date nights: “The adult relationship is arguably the most important relationship in the stepfamily - without this relationship there is no stepfamily,” says Lisa. The very nature of a stepfamily means there was never a time “before children” so designating time - whether it’s weekly or monthly - for you and your partner to “just be a couple” is super important. It doesn’t need to be fancy or expensive - just time for the two of you to be together without the stress of kids.

• Accept that not all stepfamilies are created equal: Custody arrangements, the nature of the relationship between children’s biological parents and how the kids deal with a new adult in their lives are all things that are out of your control so try not to put any expectations on how your stepfamily will grow. “It’s unlikely that a strong bond between a stepmum and her stepchildren will develop straightaway so don’t put pressure on it,” says psychotherapist, family counsellor and stepmum Dr Karen Phillip. “The relationship, as with any other, needs time to develop and so everyone gets to know one another so try not to force things or put undue pressure on yourself.”

• Leave the discipline to your partner (in the beginning): It’s OK, say the experts, to bow out gracefully when it comes to discipline. “Over time, stepmums can take on a bigger role but it’s vital that they are supported by their partner, and should only start getting involved when they have more confidence and have been part of the family for a significant period of time,” says Lisa.

• Practice good behaviour: Resentment towards your stepkids isn’t unusual. In fact it’s extremely common especially if you’re coming into the partnership with no kids of your own and suddenly your weekends are taken up with football games, dancing lessons and other kid commitments. “Planning is important, so for example if the children are coming for the weekend, make sure that you have spoken with your partner and agree what the plans are,” says Lisa. “If necessary, split it into segments so some are child friendly activities, but there's down time for catching up with chores or even spending time with friends or other couples.”

• Take charge of your own happiness: “Don’t get too wrapped up trying to be everything to everyone that you forget about yourself,” says Karen.  Moving in with a ready made family is extremely daunting, particularly if you don't already have children of your own. “It’s important to take things slowly - and that includes making sure you have time on your own, keeping in touch with old friends and maintaining your own interests and hobbies,” says Lisa. “This will help you cope more effectively with the stresses of the new family unit and building new relationships. Happiness is about well-being. If we're happy, were more likely to be healthy and able to cope with challenges life throws at us.”

This week I was asked to write an opinion piece for parenting website Kidspot about being a step mum. This isn't something I have written too much about here - namely because I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or compromise my burgeoning relationship with the kids.



But writing about my experience has almost been a form of therapy and actually helped me better understand my feelings about this new role in my life. It's been a bumpy ride so far but we're all gradually adjusting to the "new norm".

Both my step kids have read this piece as has my partner. Hopefully a few other women in my position might find this helpful too. I think the thing to remember is there's no "right answer" when it comes to what type of step mum you're going to be. Do what feels right for you don't let anyone set expectations about how your role will develop. Enjoy!

Being a step-parent may very well be the most challenging thing I’ve ever done in my life.

And perhaps extremely naively on my behalf (but not uncommon amongst women in my position I’m sure) I had no idea what I was actually getting into when I agreed to move in with my boyfriend (now fiancé) and his two kids who live with us 50 per cent of the time.

I knew I was inheriting an instant family but somewhat surprisingly - or maybe just stupidly - the thought never crossed my mind that these two children had their own fledgling lives with interests, commitments and, at 11 and 13, a hell of a lot of extra curricular stuff to attend.

School musicals, presentation evenings, primary school graduations, footy presentation nights, dancing concerts - the list goes on…. and on, and on and on.

At first I was really hesitant to attend these events. I didn’t want to tread on any toes (namely the kids biological mum’s) but my partner thought it was important for me to be there to support the kids and “getting my step mum on” has quickly become a regular part of my life.

Should institutions be more respectful of blended families?

This week a parenting group on Facebook has exploded with comments and differing opinions after a stepmother posted about a special event at her stepdaughter’s school.

Each student was only limited tickets, which meant she would miss out in favour of the girl’s biological parents. She argued that schools and other organisations should be more accommodating of the needs of blended families.

Comments ranged from complete outrage to a more mature understanding of a difficult situation - after all, no school hall can fit absolutely everyone.

“That’s crap,” was one common take, while others were more along the lines of “suck it up”.

While I haven’t faced this issue myself, I get that there are some parts of my stepkids’ lives that I might not get to share right at the exact moment they happen.

That’s not to say I won’t be around to celebrate with them when they reach certain milestones (dinner after graduation, ice creams after footy presentation) but I understand there’s some stuff that I physically won’t be able to attend for one reason or another.

And you know what? That’s completely fine. The fact is I’m not their biological parent - they have a mum and a dad who love them very much and who should be the ones at important life events.

It’s about the kids - not the adults

What right do I have to take a spot from either of them just so I can selfishly be part of the action?

While it would be nice if we could all be there together like one big happy Brady Bunch, that’s not the reality so, as hard as it might be, step-parents sometimes just have to suck it up.

A friend who is part of a blended family says: “While it’s great when my husband (my son’s stepdad) can be involved in my son’s activities some of the time - it’s not the end of the world if he can’t be. We’re all too bloody entitled these days - not everything goes exactly the way we want it to all the time. Sometimes it’ll be easy to be involved, sometimes it won’t. Move on.”

And since when did it become about me anyway? I think we all need to remember why we’re doing all of this - for the kids. If the kids are healthy and happy and have the support they need then does it really matter where it comes from?

This post first appeared on kidspot.com.au